Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 28, 2022
Note: All of you owe Elon Musk an apology. Like, a really, really BIG apology.
The above note paid for by Elon Musk for God of the Universe. Elon Musk, Treasurer.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Mother’s Day: 10
Days ’til the 30th annual Dandelion May Festival in Dover, Ohio: 8
Projected real GDP growth for the 4th quarter relative to pre-pandemic growth: 6.1%
Rank of heart disease and cancer among leading causes of death over the last year, per the CDC: #1, #2
Rank of Covid-19: #3
Number of voter fraud claims, out of 11-million votes cast, forwarded to Florida law enforcement after the 2020 election: 75
Percent chance that this has given Florida cult governor Ron DeSantis the impetus he needs to create his own Election Gestapo to intimidate and persecute Democrats: 100%
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
My favorite running story these days is the Year 2000 Problem. This is the wonderful news that come midnight Dec. 31, 1999, all computers will tick over a notch and announce that it is Jan. 1, 1900.
If you believe the most dire analyses of the consequences of this slight misunderstanding, planes will then fall from the sky, ballistic missiles will run amok, global financial markets will crash, hospital life-support systems will shut down, your microwave won’t work, your Pontiac won’t start, and in general, a fine time will be had by all.
Puppy Pic of the Day: I’ll take Things You Could Never Do With Squirrels for $600, Alex…
CHEERS and JEERS to schlepping through the hallowed marble halls again. Here’s a fun fact: 99.8 percent of Americans had no idea that Congress had adjourned for an extended Easter break. And here’s another fun fact: 99.9 percent of Americans have no idea that Congress is back in session.
Yes, under the leadership of Nancy Pelosi in the House and John Kennedy Jr. in a Chuck Schumer mask in the Senate, the dueling chambers are once again drafting drafts, gaveling gavels, shouting shouts and, depending on the circumstances, either flocking to or fleeing from the press with their “note pads” and “flash bulbs.” The good news: President Biden’s judicial nominees are expected to continue enjoying an easy path to confirmation. The bad news: with Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema still tragically consuming oxygen and fluids, President Biden’s legislative agenda is expected to continue going through this rigorous process:
Thankfully, the Affordable Care Act that Biden helped pass a dozen years ago includes coverage for chiropractic services. He’s gonna need ‘em.
CHEERS to predictions of doom. As Russia continues launching everything but nukes and literal kitchen sinks at Ukraine to little effect, Vladimir Putin’s allies have basically dwindled to our Republican party, Tucker Carlson, Belarus, North Korea, on-air propagandists who stand in a little circle on live Russian TV spouting shit like “Ukraine destroyed our national toilet paper reserve on orders from Satan Hitler,” and all the corrupt Russian oligarchs. Well, almost all the corrupt Russian oligarchs:
A Ukrainian oligarch who made his fortune with help from the Kremlin is now denouncing Vladimir Putin, even as he fights extradition to the U.S. on corruption charges.
In an exclusive interview with NBC News while under house arrest in Austria, billionaire Dmytro Firtash said the Russian president cannot win in Ukraine. “He is never going to come out victorious,” said Firtash, who became fabulously rich selling Russian natural gas to Ukraine with the help of powerful Russian interests. “No matter what happens, Russia will lose.”
If he could, Firtash said he would tell Putin: “It’s time to stop. There will be no victory. The longer this war takes, the worse it will be for the Russian people. Not just for the Ukrainian people.”
Wow. Very candid of him to say that. But we’re still keeping his yacht. Gotta store all that Russian toilet paper for Satan Hitler somewhere.
CHEERS to #5. Happy 264th birthday to President James Monroe—the last Founding Father to occupy the White House. He creeped people out by wearing his revolution-era clothing and a powdered wig at a time when doing so was long out of style. He also told Europe and Russia to keep their paws off the west and then sucked up to the AARP by snagging Florida. And then there was this bit of insanity (From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O’Brien):
Secretary of the Treasury William Crawford once came calling on the president with a stack of patronage recommendations, all of which Monroe rejected.
Enraged, Crawford threw a temper tantrum and demanded to know whom Monroe intended to appoint; the president replied it was none of Crawford’s damn business.
Crawford snapped and actually advanced on the chief executive with his cane raised, calling Monroe a “damned infernal old scoundrel.” Monroe then stepped to the fireplace, seized a pair of fire tongs, and chased his secretary of the treasury from the Executive Mansion.
Historians call it “The night Monroe went mad.” Fox News calls it “Saturday night with Jeanine Pirro.“
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to toting the tykes. Today is the 26th Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day. It’s a time to show the kiddies how Mom and Dad’s productivity gets cranked up to the max, while their paychecks do not. What fun! I believe I speak on behalf of the entire nation when I say to children of the military personnel who control our nukes: please don’t push any blinking red buttons or turn any keys. Well, unless the code’s been authenticated, of course.
CHEERS to pigskin fever! Round 1 of the NFL draft is today. Moments after he hears the word “draft,” Ted Nugent will instinctively respond by shitting his pants.
Ten years ago in C&J: April 28, 2012
CHEERS to something that looks really awesome on your resume. President Obama named this year’s gaggle of Medal of Freedom winners. The awards are given out for “An especially meritorious contribution to the security or national interests of the United States, world peace, cultural or other significant public or private endeavors.” This year’s gaggle (click the link above for their bios) is pretty damn awesome:
Madeleine Albright, John Doar, Bob Dylan, William Foege, John Glenn, Gordon Hirabayashi, Dolores Huerta, Jan KarskiKarski, Juliette, Gordon Low (Girl Scouts founder—a sly choice), Toni Morrison, Shimon Peres, John Paul Stevens and Pat Summitt
I admit I was shocked to see that John Glenn hadn’t gotten one yet, but he’s gonna live to be 150 so what’s the rush, I guess. Besides a medal, each honoree gets a ribbon, a tie clip and a monogrammed umbrella sword. Now you know why no Medal of Freedom winner has even been mugged.
And just one more…
CHEERS to a life well-lived…and lived…and lived. I always thought that there were only two things in life that are certain: taxes, and the endless bickering between Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy. But apparently I was lied to by adults in whom I’d put all my trust, because apparently there’s a third thing: death. And last week it struck down an innocent woman in the prime of her life:
Although she didn’t quite make it to her goal of 120 years old, Kane Tanaka still lived long enough to become the world’s oldest person—a title she held for the past three years, and attributed to family, sleep, hope and faith.
Tanaka died last week at 119, Japanese authorities announced. Tanaka, who had been living at nursing home in Fukuoka, died on Tuesday at a hospital.
According to Guinness World Records, Tanaka was born prematurely on Jan. 2, 1903—the same year the Wright brothers brought powered flight to the world. She was the seventh child in her family.
When she was 19, she married Hideo Tanaka, and helped run a family business selling sticky rice, udon, and the Japanese dessert zenzai.
Doctors say she died of an acute case of being 119, but police say they plan to bring in the recently-crowned world’s newest oldest person for questioning. Neighbors report she’s doing “way too much smirking.”
Have a nice Thursday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“I just want Cheers and Jeers to be ‘The Twilight Zone’ and all go away.“
—Dr. Deborah Birx